Would I be a total bitch (and get bad evaluations) if I give them a belated lesson on email etiquette?

Dear student:
I am not a facebook friend. I am not a text message-er. I am not your buddy. I am your college professor. As such, I expect a certain level of respect. I would also appreciate it if you would spell check, grammar check, and ask a question I can answer, not just make a statement.

Sincerely,
Dr. Grumpy

Below are some of my favorite examples of my least favorite- by which I mean most irritating- email faux-pas:
• Any email that begins with the salutation: "Hey." Even no salutation would be better.
• Emails asking "is the assignment we handed in monday getting graded?" Every assignment has been graded. Maybe what you should have asked is "Is it too late to hand in the assignment?" -or- "Can I try that one again? With a little more effort on my part this time?"
• Emails telling me "The formula in my excel file isn't working." What, am I a mind reader? My equally cryptic response: "If you do it correctly, it works. So obviously, you screwed up."
• Emails with files attached, and nothing else written. Especially after I've informed them- repeatedly- that I am not accepting digital files, only hard copies. By which I mean- print them on paper.
• Emails asking me "Did you say xyz?" Especially when that email comes as a direct response to my email in which I, in fact, did say "xyz." And my email is quoted in theirs.

Ahh. Now I've started. I could go on and on... but I won't. I have to go check my email.